“He could not stand. It was not
That he could not thrive, he was born
With everything but the will –
That can be deformed, just like a limb.
Death was more interesting to him.
Life could not get his attention.”
― Ted Huges
He was there and then he wasn’t.
I only met Irtaza once. Earlier this year I was at a debate called Islam vs Atheism: which makes more sense? As I was standing in the lobby before they opened the doors I turned to the gentleman standing next to me. He was holding a copy of Lawrence Krauss’s A Universe From Nothing and looked as eager as I was to hear the renowned theoretical physicist and author speak.
I turned to him, introduced myself, and asked, “how did you find Krauss’ book?” We started talking about the book and other Krauss lectures, and I could tell within the first few minutes of conversation how intelligent he was. We chatted dark matter, quantum entanglement, and string theory, waiting to enter the auditorium. About ten minutes before the debate was to begin, a man went up to the front of the line and announced that because the event was put on by an Islamic organization (iERA), women were to sit in the back of the auditorium and had were asked to use a different entrance. “Gentlemen and couples file down into the front rows and ladies please use the back entrance to find your seats.”
I turned to Irtaza and quickly asked with a smile, “Hey, I know this is a little forward, but could we pretend to be a couple so that I don’t have to sit in the nosebleed section?” He agreed, and as the doors opened we found our way to the front row and sat right in the middle.
Having grown up in a strict Islamic household, Irtaza explained to me his desire to understand the universe around him through reason and logic. He was one of the most intelligent people with whom I’ve ever had the pleasure of speaking.
After some drama over seating arrangements, after which Krauss almost walked out of the lecture, the debate commenced. We had prime seating for the heated debate, and Irtaza engaged with both speakers and asked a number of questions.
After the debate finished, we waited to meet Lawrence Krauss and hopefully get a picture. Well, we got our pictures, and then we all went out to drinks, our favorite physicist included.
So here we are, this fantastic bunch of knowledge hungry physics lovers out for a pint with one of the world’s most famous physicists. Pretty surreal.
After that night, Irtaza and I became facebook friends. I’ve shared a few facebook conversations with Irtaza since March. We chatted a bit afterwards about the Krauss debate, but then lost touch.
There were a few random messages back and forth throughout the summer; he told me about some lectures that were on in the coming months, talked about music he liked, and he even offered his help proofreading my thesis.
A couple weeks ago I got a message from him on facebook that seemed a bit odd. Although we had spoken a few times, I was a bit surprised about how it all went down. The conversation went as follows:
25 August 2013
Irtaza: “man, I’m just giving up on socializing entirely.”
I was in the middle of working on my thesis for my masters and so I didn’t respond for a couple of days.
27 August 2013
Irtaza:“whoops, mistell I guess.”
Me: “Hey, sorry been working on my thesis. I know what you mean though, this paper has taken over my social life.”
Irtaza: “This is embarrassing. Well, I’ve given up on it entirely for no reason.”
Me: “How come?”
Irtaza:“I hate everything now for no apparent reason now. Depersonalization.”
Having been through depression myself, I empathized with him;
Me: “I know the feeling, you gotta get back in touch with yourself then. I would suggest some meditation and/or reflective writing. I’ve been through depression as well and I know how shitty it feels, but I’m really not an expert on the topic.
Irtaza: “Everyone’s been saying the same thing but it’s awful as hell when there’s a giant mental block all the time.”
Me: “Have you thought about seeing someone about it professionally? I really do wish I could help. It’s paradoxic that you’re reaching out to try and find info about depersonalization and I can’t give you any. Try and get referred to a psych doc. I went in two years ago and was diagnosed with bipolar 2, which is depression and anxiety. I was scared and didn’t want to go in at all. But I did… and it’s helped. Here I am two years later and I’ve gotten my shit together for the most part.”
Irtaza went on to me that he was waiting to hear from a psychologist. He also told me that he thought he had borderline personality disorder. At this point I felt like I was in way over my head. I’ve dealt with mental illness in the past; personally, with family members, and for awhile when I worked in group homes, but I had no idea how to help someone who was feeling the way Irtaza was feeling. I thought perhaps sharing with him how I had struggled with similar issues would make him feel less alone.
Irtaza:“I didn’t know you were bipolar, you seem pretty stable and happy.”
Me: “It’s been a struggle, but I’m learning to live with it. Sometimes some crazy shit goes on in our brains without our permission, it’s about learning how to manage it.”
Irtaza: “I wish I had the same fight as everyone else.”
I could tell he was feeling really low, and looking back, if I would have known how the circumstances were going to play out I would have done a lot more to ensure him that he is not alone.
Me: “I know it’s hard and it seems like you’re alone but I promise you, everyone’s got something.”
Irtaza: “But they all seem to live and love. I want to experience things yet be able to bear the burden of my problems.”
I didn’t reply to his message. The week before my thesis was due I deactivated my facebook, not thinking twice about leaving the conversation with Irtaza to linger until after I had taken care of my own problems. I’m feeling extremely selfish right now because of this decision.
This morning as I was laying in bed and surfing the interweb I saw a video discussing mental health and the dangers of suicide so I decide to repost it to my wall– not thinking anything about anyone in particular, I just appreciated the message and wanted to raise awareness that it’s suicide prevention week. I felt like it was a good message for all to hear.
Hours later, this afternoon I was browsing facebook on my phone I saw this post from Irtaza.
At the time there were about 15 comments on it, all reaching out to try to find Irtaza.
I had a heavy feeling in my stomach, a gut-wrenching thought that I needed to put out of my mind, so I sent him a message. I told him that a lot of people care about him and are concerned about him. I asked to call me and promised I would do my best to help him sort things out. I also apologized for not being as responsive to his messages. II know how scary it is and I know how hard it can be to open up and talk about. I feel like I let him down.
I checked back a bit later to see if he had responded and saw nothing. I clicked on his profile to see if there were any updates and as I was scrolling down his page I found the following suicide note, which had been uploaded just before the photo. I was stunned to read the following.
.
Feeling sick with worry at this point, I messaged one of the people who commented on Irtaza’s photo. I asked if they had heard from him or seen him yet. He told me not yet, but that he had spoken to Irtaza earlier today and thought everything would be okay and that it was maybe just a cry for help. I asked him to let me know once someone had heard from him.
Surely he can’t have put that photo up on facebook moments before he hung himself…it can’t be real… that couldn’t have been a suicide note… could it?
The rest of the afternoon, as I went to dinner with my sister and then on to work, I had the same uneasy feeling. It weighed down on me throughout the day, and, wishing there was something I could do, I tried phoning him a couple more times and got no answer.
At about 8:30 this evening, while I was at work, I got a message saying that Irtaza passed away, and that police had just discovered his body and informed the family. My heart sank to the floor. I felt a whoosh of reality blow over me and I had to go outside and try to gather my thoughts.
I got home from work a little while ago and have been sitting on the floor trying to work it all out in my head.
No one I know has ever committed suicide. I am still stunned. I don’t know exactly how to react or what I’m supposed to take from all of this.
I will say that the stigma regarding mental health needs to be addressed. Mental health conditions are like any other illness; they are as real as broken bones or pneumonia — but the symptoms are a product of our own mind, therefore, only a cure that comes from within can eradicate such negative feelings.
I feel lucky, because when I was going through the lowest points of my depression I had an amazing support system around me. Friends, family members, and teachers that I could turn to when I was feeling alone, sad, and confused.
I should have been that person for Irtaza. I wish I would have taken the time to appreciate the depth of his pain and acknowledged his bravery for reaching out to someone. I know from personal experience how difficult it is to first admit to yourself that there is something wrong, but then to go even further and reach out for help… I wish I had been more present at the time, I think I would have acted much differently.
As I mentioned, this week is suicide prevention week. Here is a link to the video I posted this morning; a video that, perhaps if he had seen it, could have saved Irtaza’s life.
http://www.upworthy.com/this-kid-thinks-we-could-save-so-many-lives-if-only-it-was-okay-to-say-4-words?g=2&c=ufb1
Please please please. If you are feeling depressed or anxious or alone know that there are so many others who are suffering too. We need to eliminate the negative stigma attached to mental health conditions. The following comments were posted on Irtaza’s very real suicide post: (excuse the language, and sorry for not blocking out the names) This is the reason we need to raise awareness, so that when people do reach out for help they’re not regarded as crazy or looney, but instead recognize and acknowledge when others are hurting, and try to help whenever possible. Comments like this should not be taken lightly– the following words could have been the last thing Irtaza saw before he decided to jump.
Ignorance about mental health leads to comments like this. Irtaza’s “cry for attention” turned out to be a very real cry for help, that wasn’t answered on time.
I truly hope you found peace, Irtaza.
RIP. x
daring to disturb the universe 